Death is the New Pink: Going Medieval On Yo’ Ass Session Three- Talking Cows, Talking Flamingos, and Melted Medieval Meat Bags- oh and the Cover is DONE, SON!

First Aside : Matthew Seagle has started running Hubris for his group (fucking awesome!) and has started doing fantastic session recaps.  The thing I really enjoy is the “HOW” portion of the recaps.  I really enjoy this because it let’s me see unique parts of his group and how Matthew runs his games.  Second (and as a game designer, this is more important to me)- it let’s me see that my design philosophy for Hubris works for other people (yay).

I enjoy Matthew’s methodology on the “HOW” so much I will endeavor to include that in my session recaps going forward (where applicable).

Second Aside: Kelvin Green just finished the cover for DitNP: GMoYA!

medieval cover layout 4 2552x3508 300dpi
So damned sexy!  Kelvin did a great job paying homage to Jeremy Duncan’s original DitNP cover!

Finally on to the Recap

So we continue our playtesting two new Death is the New Pink projects I’m working on.  The first is Death is the New Pink: Going Medieval on Yo’ Ass and the second is The Forever Dungeon.

Returning Players

Liam– Human- Mort (Morty for short)- Level Ye Olde Lean Bacon Sammich

Muscle Up! for being human- I am the Bringer of Death– When you kill a target you are able to make another attack (this can go on and on if you keep killing the target).

Starting Equipment– Scythe, Vial of Poison, Flashbang Powder Pouch, Human, Believes Sculpting Their Mashed Potatoes Means Something, Doodad (Frozen Tears of the Spoiled Princess)

Frozen Tears of the Spoiled Prince(ss): There once was a spoiled prince(ss) (or maybe he/she was just really sad) and he/she cried and cried and blah blah blah.  Anyways, these tears are magically frozen and when one is thrown at a target they must succeed a BAD save or become frozen for 2d6 rounds.  If the target is at 0 HP and fails their save, they are permanently frozen.  *If you start with this Doodad from a Starter Package, start with 2d2 of these.

John– Human- Cheshire- Level Ye Olde Lean Bacon Sammich

Muscle Up! for being human- Ninja– You can hide in shadows that normal people could not.  Also when you make a successful Back Attack (pg XX) you add your level as bonus damage.

Starting Equipment- Short Spear, Sling, Epic-Looking Helmet Made of Antlers, Necklace of Monster Teeth, Human, Fierce and Wild-looking, Killer (Muscle Up!)

Chad– Half-orc- BJ Orc (friends call him Bjorc)- Level Ye Olde Lean Bacon Sammich

Race Stuff: Increase your BAD to 13 if less was rolled.  Fearless: You ain’t afraid of shit. You are immune to fear effects.  Two-handed Fighter: You grew up knowing how to handle large weapons.  When using two-handed melee weapons you gain +2 to damage, but doesn’t suffer +2 to attack (pg XX); Orkish-Resistance: Once per day you can become enraged, gaining Resistance (pg XX) to all physical damage for a number of rounds equal to half your BAD score (round down).  This is a free action on their turn.

Starting Equipment- Maul, Spiked Braces That Look Fucking Metal, Half-orc, Pouch Filled With Small Ceramic Animals, Doodad (Decoy Mixing Powder)

Decoy Mixing Powder: Add hot water and stir for two rounds- creates a squishy version of you that enemies will attack (and eat) unless they succeed on a MOXY save.  What flavor are you, roll 1d6: 1) strawberry; 2) lime; 3) orange; 4) raspberry; 5) blueberry; 6) pineapple mango banana (yummy).  *If you start with this Doodad from a Starter Package, start with 2d2 of these.

New Players

Omar- Human- “Scotch” as name- always drunk.  Peg Leg (with secret compartment to hold booze)- Level Ye Olde Weenie.

Muscle Up! for being human- Ninja– You can hide in shadows that normal people could not.  Also when you make a successful Back Attack (pg XX) you add your level as bonus damage.

Starting Equipment: Crossbow, Crutch (functions as a Club), Thieves Tools, Doodad

Starting Doodad: Invisibility Cloak: While wearing this cloak you are invisible until you remove the cloak or you attack.  Your first attack made on an unaware target is made with Advantage.

Fletch- Dwarf- Called “Tooth”- Albino with a necklace of smelly cheese.  Tattoos on face and arms of robots being chopped into pieces and impaled.  

Race Stuff- Dwarf- You’re a gruff asshole.  You are stout, smell like shitty beer, and stand roughly 4 ½” tall.  You live for combat, drinking, arm wrestling, and stating the obvious to people as if they are all morons.  You can see in the dark up to 30’.  Stout: You are immune to all poisons; Know Stone: You know stone and can tell its secrets (MOXY roll with Advantage if roll is needed in a hurry- otherwise automatically succeed); Slayer: The thrill of combat excites you.  Each successful attack you make grants +1 to damage.  Resets after each fight.

Starting Equipment: Great Axe, and Chainmail Armor (ignores 2 points of damage per attack).

Muscle Up!: I am the Bringer of DEATH!: When you kill a target you are able to make another attack (this can go on and on if you keep killing the target).

Gene- Human- Tyoni- has long hair and exquisite pubic hair, a soul patch, and believes descendant from wolves. Claims to be From the Future (mentions a great city called “Scratchtown”).

Starting Equipment: Wheellock Rifle, Dagger, Flashbang Powder Pouch, and Doodad.

Starting Doodad: Friendly Symbiotes: These little buggers like you.  You swallow this small tape-worm looking creatures.  They heal you quickly, so you can get on with your Medieval Meat Baggy day!  Once per day they will heal you for 1d6 BAD or DSS damage.  If you ever take cold damage, they are killed.  Sometimes you hear them whispering stuff in your brain, like that you’re the herald and savior of all humanoids or a recipe for really delicious pizza sauce.

HOW: I’ve changed character creation in GMoYA slightly from the original DitNP and Into the Odd.  Instead of consulting your strongest attribute and your HP against a chart, just roll 1d100 and consult the table- this gives a 100 different options and allowed me to insert a decent number of race options (i.e., dwarf, elf, halfling, and half-orc- three each, I think- the rest are all human).  The starter package highlights race, quirk/descriptor, unique starting item/equipment, and whether you start with a Muscle Up! or a Doodad.

The group started at Nasty Mimi’s Hooch Parlor after a two weeks of debauchery and laziness.

Liam, Chad, and John rolled on what happened to them between sessions (as they were in the first session).

Liam found some random equipment.  Chad puked on Ol’ Gin (regular at Nasty Mimi’s), and John got black out drunk.

What Happened Between Sessions- Death is the New Pink- Going Medieval on Yo Ass

While the group was drinking, a scraggly pirate came up to them and introduced himself as Slim Jim.  He heard tales that Liam, John, and Chad had found the Know Know Bird (a smarmy/know-it-all Pink Flamingo with a pink mullet) in the Forever Dungeon.  For an escort through the Forever Dungeon and finding the Know Know Bird, Slim Jim was willing to give them the location of a powerful Doodad, The Tree Hand of Glamglug Glamall.  

The Tree Hand of Glamglug Glamall: The staff of the great living tree Glamglug Glamall is known for its expert craftsmanship, beautifully etched runes, oh and its ability to summon a massive hand out of the ground that grabs people (sometimes it can get a little pervy).  When the staff is stabbed into the soil, the user can summon forth a 10’ high wooden hand with jagged bark fingernails and shoots of branches at random spots.  A target must make a DSS save (with Disadvantage) to avoid becoming ensnared by the hand.  The hand remains until the staff is pulled from the ground or the sun sets.  The user can command the hand to crush a target for 1d6 damage per round.    The ensnared target can make a new DSS save each round to break free.  This can be used once per day, however a Medieval Meat Bag can attempt to force the staff to work additional times by passing a MOXY save.

The group agreed.  Fletch hired a mercenary (which had better stats than nearly ALL of them) and they headed to the Forever Dungeon.

HOW: I am designing the Forever Dungeon to be run with zero prep and using die drop charts, tables, and Luck rolls (roll 1d6- if the result is 1-3, it favors the GM/monsters, if the result is 4-6 it favors the players), etc. to be the determining factor rather than me constantly making ultimate decisions.

Kelvin Green and I are working hard to develop this.  Kelvin is doing the art and (along with myself) coming up with zany rooms and fun!  We will have more news on this in the near future!

Here’s info on the Forever Dungeon and how I handle Looting the Body.

Entrance– The band of Medieval Meat Bags walked through a hallway and came to a door at the opposite end.  Nothing of interest encountered.  Liam opened the door.

The Room of the Talking Cow- The group walked into a room with a small hillock on the ground with a cow chewing on some grass.  Omar hobbled into the room and looked at the cow.

The cow raised its head, “Oh…  Hello.”

Omar blinked at it and then put on his invisibility cloak and walked away, not wanting to deal with what just happened.  The cow looked around for a second and then focused on Gene, “Oh… Hello.”

The group talked with the cow, finding out its name is Mi Mi Mi Moo Moo Moo and that he is a magical cow.  He had a quest for the brave Medieval Meat Bags- Find the Heavy Metal Wizard and convince him to throw a concert for Mi Mi Mi Moo Moo Moo’s 13th birthday.  In exchange he offered the group milk from his udders (hey!  Fuck you- he’s a magical cow- he can make milk too, ok?!).

“You’ll have to take it from the right udder- my left has an infection.  Sorry about that.”  The group each got a glass of magical milk (heals 1d12 HP and 1d6 BAD instantly).  While the cow was busy milking itself, Omar snuck up and took some infected milk.  Since he’s drunk, he forgot to label which is which.

The group then asked if the cow knew where the Know Know Bird was.  The cow failed his MOXY roll and told them the Know Know Bird was off to the south west.  In actuality, the Know Know Bird was in the room directly north (heh).

The group headed west.

The Treasure Room- The group found a large treasure chest that was cursed with magical aura.  John was able to circumvent the trap and found some Gold Bits and a few other baubles, one of which was an expensive spy glass.

After everything was looted the group headed west.

The Room of Deadly Pink Flowers

This is a sketch piece for the Forever Dungeon- art by Kelvin Green

The group came into this room and saw a wall of beautiful pink flowers and a skeleton entangled in the vines, two flowers popping out of the eye sockets.

Liam went over and used his scythe to cull the evil flowers.  They attacked!  The group made quick work of the vines and they withered and died.  Giving high fives and epic bro-like chest bumps, the group headed south.

The Prison Cage Room

The group walked into this room and saw four rusty cages suspended from the ceiling.  Two were empty, one had a skeleton, and the other a human.  He leaned against the cage the moment the group entered.  “Water…” His voice croaked.

Liam walked over and gave him water without hesitation and then freed him.  He got to the ground and stretched and squealed with laughter.   Liam now had a steadfast friend!


“Who are you?” Asked Liam.

“My name is Mad Mulligan!”

“Mad Mulligan?” asked John.

“Well yes- you know- because of copyright laws and all that- can never be too careful.  Anyways- I am the greatest swordsman who’s ever lived.”

And thus Mad Mulligan joined the party.

While this was going on, Fletch decided to investigate the rest of the room and found a secret compartment with a small treasure chest.   The bricks were off colored with a fine dust around them.  Fletch took a stick and touched the bricks to move it.  Nothing happened.  He then touched it with his hands.  Green light enveloped his body as he dehydrated and was reduced to dust!  His belongings clattered to the ground.

Mad Mulligan looked over at the noise, “oh hey!  Be careful…  I saw a Mystic put a disintegrating curse over there- oh… too late.”

With that- Fletch took on the role of his Mercenary and the group moved north back through the Pink Flower Room and north again.

HOW: Fletch said he wanted to look around the room for secrets.  I made a Luck roll and it favored the party, so yeah- there was a secret compartment.  I rolled what was in the secret compartment and it was 1d3 random items and some Gold Bits.  Then I made a Luck roll to see if it was trapped- that didn’t favor the players- so it was.

The Room With the Toxic Gelatin

The room was dark and nasty.  Burbling, wet slapping noises echoed off the walls.  Chad and Gene lit their torches and saw a green ooze with the skeleton of a dwarf inside it (this was Kevin’s character who died last session in the Make Out Room).  Gene lost his shit and smacked his face into a wall, stunning himself.  John grabbed him and started backing out of the room.  Omar and Chad rushed in to beat the shit out of the thing.  Omar put on his invisibility cloak (very Harry Potter-esque, eh?!) and moved up behind it and delivered a damaging blow with his crutch.  The ooze turned around and a pseudo-pod lashed out and smashed Omar in the face, melting his head, killing him.

BOOM!  Two Medieval Meat Bags down!

Chad then delivered the killing blow and the thing burbled one last time and then popped and dissolved.

Clambering out of the rubble in the corner was Omar’s new character, Cleave-land!  A 6’9″ hulking mass of muscles.  Human.  Lil brain/bro-type with shreds of clothing, long hair, and beautiful brown skin and tribal tats.

Starting Muscle Up!Fighter: Gain a second attack per round.

After dusting themselves off, the group headed north.

The Library Room

This is a sketch piece for the Forever Dungeon- art by Kelvin Green

The group found a room filled with pink bookcases and a skeleton “reading” a book.  John moved over to the skeleton and looked at the book.  The writing was illegible and hummed with electric blue energy.  The skeleton turned and looked at John, “Do you MIND…?  It’s rude to read over someone’s shoulder.”

“Oh sorry.”  Said John.  “Say…. you don’t know where the Know Know Bird is, do you?”

“Oh that bird…  yes- I believe he’s over to the east somewhere.”

“Thanks.  I’ll let you get back to your book.”

The others searched for secrets and Liam found a small compartment with some gold.  Chad took some books on vegetarian orc burgers, a book on knitting, and a book on the history of the Forever Dungeon.

With that the group headed east.

The Puuuurrrrfect Room



This is a sketch piece for the Forever Dungeon- art by Kelvin Green

The group saw that the room was empty except for a large metal grate in the center.  “Oh I am staying FAR away from that!” John said and started edging down towards the southern door.


As John got halfway through the room they heard a voice issue from the grate and a smoky cat apparition flowed through the grate.

“Noooowwww what tasty morsels do we have here?”

HOW: This room image was inspired by the cat smoke gif- Kelvin did a great job capturing that!

Cat Smoke

The group talked to the cat creature for a few minutes- asking about the Know Know Bird.  The cat creature became indignant.  “Oh.  Him… Ever since someone let him out of his cage (which happened to be John, Chad, and Liam), he’s been walking around all free and acting like he owns the place.  Oh excuuuuuuuuse me that he has a fabulous pink mullet- what a jerk.”

Chad, Liam, and John eyed one another nervously.

“Why look for him?  I’d make a much better friend than him!”

“I’ll be your friend,” Chad said.  “We aren’t looking for him to be friends.  We were hired to find him by that guy (points at Slim Jim who is hiding in the back of everyone).”

“Oh…  well then.  Good luck.  See you soon!”  The cat reached smoky arms and paws out and stretched.  Huge silver scythe-like claws manifested and then retracted.  The cat creature retreated back into the grate.

The group decided to head South.

The Spring Spike Trap Room

The room was filled with white and off-white checkered floor tiles.  John used his sling and sack full of colorful rocks to test the tiles.  When a rock landed on the white tiles, nothing happened.  When one landed on the off-white, 3′ high spikes shot through the ground for a moment and then retreated.

“Well shit…” Said John.  John decided to take his time getting across the room to the eastern door.

As John made it to the door, the group heard a gross squealing from behind them.  A horrific giant pig with rotting flesh and foot long blades poking out of its hide walked into The Puuuurrrrfect Room. 

HOW: Since John stated that he was taking his time, I rolled a random encounter- rolled a 1 (encounter time- first time all session!!!).  I then rolled on my table to create a Nefario on the fly and rolled the words “rotting”, “Blade-covered”, and “Pig”.  BOOM!  There’s the enemy.  Gave it 10 in all stats and rolled 1d3 to determine it’s HD (I rolled a 3).  I rolled 3d6 and it started with 15 HP.

Chad used his shield to push the pig creature into the spike trap room, causing it to set off a trap and take 8 points of damage.  Omar jumped into the room to attack it and failed his Dodging Some Shit roll- impaling himself on the spikes (losing his left eye in the process) and falling unconscious.

The pig creature made it’s way back to Chad and headbutted his ass hard (critical success).  Down went Chad- unconscious and possibly dead.  John then mock squealed at the pig and enraged it, causing it to come back into the spike trap room.  Again, it failed its MOXY save and was impaled on a trap twice, killing it.  John walked back and revived Omar and Chad.  The group headed through the eastern door and found…

The Room of the Know Know Bird

Sitting in a dapper nest atop a ruined cage was a regal pink flamingo.

“Oh hey you guys!  How’s going on?  Not many people come to see me twice!”

HOW: For some reason the Know Know Bird is a mix of Christopher Walken and Joe Pesci when I voice him…. Whatever- but it’s fun.

The group exchanged banter and allowed Slim Jim to ask his question- which surmounted to “where’s my wife?”

“Oh- she died.  In the Calamity.  Pretty horrible too, ya know.  I mean shit wasn’t kind to her.”

“But- she had a place in The Tanks!” Cried Slim Jim.

“Yeah well- your wife thought that it was a form of governmental overstepping and control and skipped out- figuring she would actually just become brainwashed.”

Slim Jim needed booze and wanted to leave.

Omar had never seen the Know Know Bird and asked for the history of the Forever Dungeon.

“Oh- that’s interesting.  During the Calamity some entities made this place- and they made me.  Are they gods…?  Is this an experiment upon which our benefactors and creators watch us repeatedly engage in the same dance and routine over and over again…?  Is it for their humor?  Is this merely a dream, repeated as an example of the futility of attempting to escape ones fate…?”

Omar scratched his head- the answer too confusing for him.

“Oh hey guys- You know I’ve decided to branch out now- you know- gotta market myself better!  Have a fortune cookie.  Crack that sucker open and get lucky!”

Aside: The fortune cookies give Advantage on one Luck roll.  

With that the group decided to do one more room and headed South…

Back to The Room of the Talking Cow.

There was quite a bit of laughter at the fact that if they had just headed north they would have found the damned bird right away…

So the group said hi to Mi Mi Mi Moo Moo Moo again and headed east.

The Man With Tumorous Growth Room


This guy was in the center of the room, covered in these growths.  His moans were pitiful, indecent, and horrific.

The group launched into combat and… got really really hurt (except for John).  By this point we were down to just John, Omar, and Chad… and Omar and Chad were already hurting pretty bad.

Omar went unconscious again.  John and Chad finished the creature off and revived Omar.  When he came to, he had gained a mutation- and oddly enough I rolled whole body and covered in tumorous growths…  Omar lost a permanent 4 MOXY, however if he touches a target they must succeed a BAD save or be stunned for 1d4 rounds.

With that the group went to Nasty Mimi’s Hooch Parlor to carouse and blot out the terribleness of the adventure.

Carousing Results

John- Didn’t need much and just drank a little.  Ended up streaking through the Flotsam square and got arrested and had to pay a fine.

Omar- helped a small orphan from getting beat up and now has a loyal companion named Sonny Jim.  He also got a magical tattoo of a broken heart on his chest.  It allows him to cast the Mystic spell Recipe For Hate once and then it will fade away.

Recipe for Hate:  You touch an ally, causing them to become consumed with rage and hate.  All attacks are made with Advantage and they gain an extra 1 armor point.  The ally will attack enemies first, however if there are no more enemies and they are still under the effects of the spell they must succeed a MOXY save (made with Disadvantage) or attack one of their own.  Lasts 1 minute.

Chad- Pissed himself and will now be ridiculed for the next session (Disadvantage on MOXY saves with bartering/schmoozing), now has an animal friend (a pig- go figure), and joined a protest- it was boring- just like his life.

Next session this Wednesday

The Graveyard



Dwarf With No Name (Kevin)“Here lies the Dwarf With No Name, he done got dissolved by a puddle of goo- so pathetic, so lame.”

Tooth (Fletch)“Not much you could say about Tooth,

Except faces he liked to smash,

And was disintegrated; gone in a poof,

Ain’t nothing left by ash.”

Scotch (Omar)“No one seemed to care when Scotch died,

No one cared for his life.

No one cried,

Not even his wife.”

The Final Map of the Session

The Forever Dungeon

Author: Mike Evans

I am the dude behind DIY RPG Productions. I have a fuck all punk rock attitude, love meeting new people, doing nature shit, and gaming (tabletop and console) and having a good time. I love craft beer (maybe too much), punk, grunge, and industrial music. I write books. Good for me.

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