Loneliest Man in Hexenbraken!

Hex 18.11- Hexenbracken (more info).

Old Bert

Old Burt claims he once was a powerful noble from Orthrist (16.08) many years past, but was exiled due some terrible experiment.   When questioned about the experiment he mumbles oddly, gives a twitch and changes the subject.

Horrible Experiment

However Old Burt has grown lonely in his years of exile and will prattle on and on about his many accomplishments back in Orthrist, or the difficulties of living as an exile, or even how eating preserves and deer meat don’t mix.

Anyone who listens to him prattling on must make a Wisdom based Save (DC 12) against boredom or fall under under a deep sleep for 1d6 years.  A successful save means the target cannot be affected by Old Bert’s boring stories for 24 hours.

Prattle On

  1. “It sure is cloudy…  This reminds me of the great flood of yesteryear.  Wiped out whole villages… Yesssss siiiiiirrrr… The land was a wreck of toppled trees, bodies, and mud.  It was so wet you couldn’t even light a candle.”
  2. “I had a daughter once…  but she up and married a man.  Yep.  I think he was a cobbler… or a cheesemaker.  Anyways, they moved from Orthrist to some other town to the east.  I used to get letters.  Usually started,  Dear Daddy…”
  3. “If you tie a knot too loose it comes undone.  You have to make sure it’s tight!  Loose knots are how my horse got away.  I saw some berries, this was in the spring, about 3, no maybe about…  5 years ago..  Normally berries don’t grow during that time, you see.”
  4. “In real desperate times you can eat cured meat that’s a little past its prime.  Now it’ll be even drier and tougher than a two bit whore that’s been ridden by a giant, but you just slap some preserves on it, and it’ll tender it right up.  Now the taste is something else altogether.  It doesn’t go down easy, or smooth, but it’ll keep ya living.”

The Horrible Truth

Old Bert believes he traveled here and settled on his own random volition, but the truth is that he was contacted by an evil twisted entity from some unspeakable demi-plane (see above picture) and was directed to this point.

Every evening Old Bert transforms into a terrible monster and scours the countryside looking for fresh victims (except those who have fallen asleep due to his boredom ability).  He knocks the victims unconscious and throws them into a pit under his cabin where they are feasted on by a disgusting mound of pulsating tumorous flesh.  Old Bert is unaware of this transformation or the horrors he commits.

The new Improved Old Bert
The new improved Old Bert

Stats of Monster Old Bert

Monster Old Bert!!

Init +3; Atk- +3; claws (1d6)+3; Bite (1d4)+3 plus poison   AC 16; HD 3d8; HP 22; MV 40’; Act 1d20; SP- Poison Bite- Fort Save (DC 12) or fall unconscious for 2d4 hours; SV Fort +2, Ref +4, Will +1; AL C.

Old Bert always has a strange collection around his cabin from his victims.  While in his normal form, he turns a blind eye to these items.  If asked or prodded about them he become surly and irritable.  He will not object to anyone taking anything around his cabin that isn’t his.

Random LOOTZ

Random Lootz of Old Bert





1 Battered Crossbow 1 Jar of pickled frog eyes
2 Silver dagger 2 Idol of strange octopus-like creature- whispers sweet nothings to those who hold it
3 Scroll case containing 1d3 level 1 arcane spells 3 Back of holding with 2d4 random items in it (from another list)
4 Unbreakable handheld mirror 4 A canoe
5 2d4 days of rations 5 Ring of Shield (+4 AC) with 1d6+1 charges
6 Half plate armor (human sized) 6 Everburning torch (no heat)
7 1d4 bags of could (each roll 1d100 for gold amount) 7 Composite longbow with 2d10 arrows
8 1d4 vials of holy water 8 1d3 random potions
9 1d3 flasks of acid 9 Necklace with shriveled eyeball (allows to see in darkness)
10 1 potion (roll randomly) 10 Sodden bag with head of beautiful woman
11 1 potion of Cure Light Wounds (1d8 +1) 11 Mountain climbing gear
12 Longsword 12 2 smoke sticks
13 Small pouch of black powder 13 Bundle of odd smelling incense
14 Backpack with “standard” adventure gear 14 Jar of putrid vomit
15 Finely crafted broadsword 15 Ruby the size of a fist (500 gp)
16 Large tome on the lore of NynglomCastle (09.01) 16 Scepter (Cursed mace of Skull Crushing- roll of a 1 it hits wielder in the head for x3 damage)
17 Jar of spider eggs- exposed to air and they hatch with 2d100 baby spiders 17 Book bound in human flesh- contains 1d4 Necromantic spells
18 Pouch of Orc tusks 18 Vial of a woman’s screams
19 Scroll of Darkness 19 Lump of unprocessed iron ore
20 Scroll of Commune with Dead 20 Bag of 300 gold and two other items from this list

Author: wrathofzombie

I am a History major attending a community college until I can get more financial aid and attend a four year school. I am living in NJ with my girlfriend who is currently wrapping up on obtaining her PhD in Toxicology. I love Star Wars, Role-playing, video games, working out, reading, writing, and hanging with my girlfriend, dog (Perfect), and two kittens (Birch and Brambles). My main focus on this site will be my discussion of Role-playing games and ideas and hopefully contribute something worth a damn.

7 thoughts

  1. I love the fact that someone so boring can be so horrible and deadly.

    …but 1d6 YEARS…? I’d probably make that hours. And I’d make Old Burt/Bert make a Will save as well against his own prattle.

      1. True!

        In that case, I would replace loot 18 (“Vial of a woman’s screams”) with “Vial of Burt’s father’s father’s prattle” (Save vs Will or lose both ears).

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